peace and quiet

I'm pretty sure my parents threw a party today after all their company left- for the sole reason that they were once again in peace and quiet. We had a noisy weekend full of fun, but I'm sure it's hard to have your normally-quiet-and-clean house ransacked by 7 people, 3 of whom are children and noisy and messy. :)

Ryan and Brecken had a great time playing these past 4 days. Perhaps I should say they had a great time playing most of these past 4 days. One minute they'd be playing and having a great time- playing cars, playing chase, playing wrestling, making barns out of every single one of my mom's couch cushions in order to watch cartoons without anyone bothering them... and then the next minute would be an all out fight.

"She's MY grandma."
"NO! She's MY grandma!"
"NO! SHE'S MY GRANDMA AND NOT YOURS!"

(or something to that effect. That wasn't the only fight, belive me- there were others about who said what first, going back and forth between "NO!" "YES!" a hundred times about things they had no idea why they were saying no or yes, the color of the sky.... whatever you can dream up, they probably fought over it!)

But tonight when we got home, Brecken asked if Ryan could come over tonight to play.

Oh the joys of having two 3-year olds in the same house for extended periods of time. :)

think he's excited?

Brecken: Come on, Mommy. Let's go to Gillette!

Me: We can't go yet, Daddy is still at work!

Brecken: Then let's go without him!!

gobble gobble

We're off on vacation today. In the past seven nights, I have slept in my own bed twice! We were in Lingle last weekend, and then I left at 5:40 in the morning on Monday to take some of my high school kids to Laramie for an honor choir. We got home last night. My kids did great and had a lot of fun. My seniors got me flowers! I have no idea why- I certainly haven't done anything! The girl who gave them to me said it was because it was their last year at District Clinic. I told her I could fix that- a flunking grade in English would surely make them come back next year, right? I certainly don't want to lose my seniors- they are wonderful.

Today, after Josh gets done with school and practice at 2:00, we're headed to Gillette for Thanksgiving. The whole family will be there, it will be a full house, that's for sure! I'm very much looking forward to the turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy! We will have to be careful to call the turkey "chicken" so we have a chance of Brecken eating it.

Time to get the dogs off to the kennel and get some laundry done before we leave. Josh and Brecken have school today and I do not- it's a weird feeling!

a great man

A very wise man sought me out on my wedding day, and told me to call him if my groom needed reminded of how to be a good husband. He said he made sure all the boys in his family knew how to treat their wife. I promised him I'd call if I needed to. I've never had to.

That great man left us last week and made the journey to Heaven. As we celebrated his life this weekend, I had the feeling that that great man was looking down on us, admiring all the work he did in his life. His Greatness was left behind in everyone he touched- his beautiful bride of 57 years, his children, nieces, nephews, sisters, brothers, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. His Greatness was left behind in anyone who had the extreme honor of ever meeting him. It's evident in all he did- not many people are elected as County Clerk for 25 years in a row.

I'm grateful that I had the chance to know him, even if it was just a little tiny bit.

To his beautiful bride of 57 years, I cried when I found out he was a devoted reader of my silly little stories on here. I was and still am truly amazed. I hope I can keep it up so you can carry on the daily readings- and I will try to update more often so there aren't as many mornings with no news. :)

Yes, a great man has left us. But you can be sure his Greatness lives on.

second opinion

Josh and I went to Cheyenne today, to a gastroenterologist, to get a second opinion on my liver. He said he is sure the radiologist is correct that it's a benign growth of cells, and sees no reason to worry about it at all. He is sending me for bloodwork to make sure it doesn't pick up any abnormalities, but he said he would be shocked if anything showed up. What a relief to hear. Now if that annoying feeling in my side would go away, I'd be a happy camper. :)

He said liver issues in women could be caused by the use of birth control pills, and could be made bigger by pregnancy, but he sure wouldn't not go ahead and have another baby because of it. These growths don't be come dangerous, really, so if it did get bigger for some reason, it wouldn't be really bad. Who knows- maybe it was caused by being pregnant in the first place, and we never knew it! (pretty sure it's not because of birth control pills since I've been on those for maybe a total of a whole year in my whole life!) He also agreed with the radiologist that I should have another CT Scan in 6 months, but if I was pregnant at that time, it was fine to put it off until after a baby was born.

Brecken spent the day (well, half of it anyway) with my sister again, for the second time this week. We are very grateful that my sister lives where we always end up going, because it's great to drop him off and not have to bring him to the doctor. So, thanks, Kristen!!! We really, really appreciate you!!!

the naughty one

Brecken has had a rough week at school. It's been freezing cold, and for some reason, they are still taking the kids outside for recess. (Even our kids at school this week have had inside recess!) We've been asked to bring snowpants and all that good ol' winter gear so they can go out. Brecken HATES things around his toes. He refuses to wear socks, even. But this week, he has been refusing to wear his snowboots. As a result, he has had to stay inside for recess. Which means there is one less adult body outside with all the other kids, since someone has to stay in with him.

I think his teachers aren't very pleased with us. They even asked our babysitter to talk to us about ideas we could use on him. I have one stubborn child though, and I'm not sure what to do. I DID have him help me pick out new boots online tonight, and I ordered them two sizes too big so they are loose around his feet, like his beloved Crocs, which are the the only shoes he will wear. He got to pick out whatever boots he wanted to tonight and he declared the ones he picked "Perfect!" Hopefully he will still think they are perfect when they arrive in the mail, and hopefully he will wear them at school.

I cried tonight after we got home. I don't want my child to be the one who won't listen and gets in trouble. I'm hoping, in a very weird way, that he's getting sick. I don't want him to be sick, but I want there to be a reason that he is not listening very well this week. It's not like him to be naughty- he's normally a very easy-going kid! (and tonight he fell asleep at 6:30.... maybe he's overly tired this week?) I'm hoping this is a trend that will be over SOON, and I hope his teachers know that we really are working on the listening thing at home, and that we don't put up with naughty! We are both teachers- we know how hard it is to have naughty kids, so we aren't going to let our child be one of them! Surely, they know how 3-year olds act, right? I now believe people when they say 3 is worse than the terrible 2's.... its soooooo very true in our house!

Come on, age of 4....

faces of the past

Brecken picked up a picture we have, of my whole family at my sister's wedding in 2004. It was only five years ago, but we all must have changed more than I realized. The only people in the picture Brecken could recognize were Daddy and his Grandpa (my dad). I asked where I was, and he couldn't find me. And he couldn't find Aunt Kristen. Or Grandma. Or anyone else I asked about. When I helped him identify these people, we had the following conversation:

B: Where's Ryan?
Me: He isn't there, because he wasn't born yet!
B: Where's me?
Me: You weren't born yet either.
B: But where was I?
Me: Nowhere, really, you weren't alive yet.
B: Was I at Kristen's house?
Me: No, buddy, you weren't. You weren't alive yet, so you weren't anywhere.

It's hard to explain to a 3 year old why he isn't in a picture with all the people he loves!

ideas for brecken

I've been getting a few people ask what Brecken wants for Christmas, so here are a few ideas:

• He is still into dinosaurs- dino shirts, dino toys, dinos in general.
• He loves to play games but we only have a few. We already have Elefun- don't get him that one. He plays Flippin' Frogs and Hungry Hungry Hippos at daycare but we don't have them yet- he would like those.
• He loves to do artwork.
• He is a Croc lover- that's all he will wear. Shoe size right now is an 8.
• Shirt/sweatshirt size is 3T.
• Pants size is 2T, but he only wears sweatpants. He will not wear anything else. They can't be the sweatpants that have the elastic around the ankles either- they have to be the wide leg kind. He is very picky about his clothes.
• He really wants purple athletic shorts like Daddy's, if anyone happens to find some!!
• He loves loves loves to read.
• He loves his movies too- Noggin/Nick Jr. ones are the best because they have shorter episodes- full length movies don't hold his interest. Favorites right now are Diego, Dora, Wow Wow Wubbsey, Max and Ruby, and recently he has really gotten excited by Curious George. We don't have any Curious George movies yet so he would love that!

Hope that helps with anyone that needs any ideas for him...

terribly busy

That's what this past week was. I put in 12+ hour days at work Monday-Thursday, so today it was VERY nice to have an early-out at school and get to leave at 1:00. Monday I took my choir kids to Rawlins after school to try out for all-state. Tuesday I had concession stand duty for the jr. high boys basketball game. Wednesday and Thursday nights I had parent/teacher conferences. Needless to say, I'm exhausted and quite sore tonight! I've been hanging out on the bed, listening to my cousin's high school football game on the internet (they are in the 2nd round of the playoffs!), and looking forward to doing nothing this weekend. I'll try to get pictures posted of our Halloween, though you won't get to see a costume- that story will accompany the post.

birthday "surprise"

Josh and Brecken came up to school to have lunch with me today. Josh went to talk to my principal for a minute and while he was gone, Brecken told me, "We bought you boots, Mommy!" I thought he was making stuff up, until I remembered that Josh asked what size shoe I wore last night!! So this afternoon, I asked Josh, "Did you buy me boots today?" He said no, and Brecken comes running and said, "YES WE DID DADDY!" Josh insisted no, Brecken insisted yes. Josh finally ended up laughing. He told Brecken "That was for Mommy's birthday, Brecken- it was a surprise!" Brecken's response? "See, Mommy- I told you we bought you boots!" HA! HA! I guess this holiday season we will not be sharing secrets with Brecken, unless we don't want any surprises on Christmas morning! :)

I told Josh I have no idea what kind of boots he would have bought me, nor do I have a clue what they look like, so I'll still be surprised. :)

We took Brecken trick-or-treating downtown this afternoon. He was so excited all week long, wearing his costume around the house, practicing saying "Trick-or-Treat!!" But when it came time this afternoon, he chickened out at the last minute and refused to wear his costume. And wouldn't say a thing to any of the people at the stores. What a 3-year-old. :) Tomorrow night is the Halloween carnival at my school, and he's very excited to go play the games, so we'll see if he will wear his costume to that. :)

We got our pumpkin carved tonight! Brecken didn't want to touch the pumpkin guts, so he let his Daddy do all the dirty work. :)

last game!

Tonight is Josh's last football game of the season! I would be very happy for them if they made the playoffs, but I will admit, I threw a little party for myself when it was clear they were NOT going to the playoffs next week. :) I feel bad about that- I really want them to do well, I really do, but I also like having my husband home after school. :) I get him home for 3 whole weeks before basketball starts! Woo-hoo!

:)

mind games

Either my liver really does hurt or my head is doing a heck of a job doing mind games with me!! I hate it! Work has NOT been a distraction. Instead, every day I come home and tell Josh what hurt that day. On Tuesday, we went for a follow-up appointment to talk about my CT scan a little more since we never really got to talk to a doctor about it. The doctor we talked to is in the process of setting up an appointment for me with a gastroentronologist (or however it's spelled). She said if it were HER liver, she'd want to go to a specialist who sees livers every day. I do too! I was going to ask her for a referral for one, but she brought it up first. It will be nice to have a peace of mind about the whole matter. AND, if God-forbid, something IS wrong, I'm not having to wait the recommended 6 months the radiologist recommended for another CT scan. I'd rather know. I just need answers because the whole mind game thing is seriously going to make me crazy. Literally. And I'm pretty sure I'm driving Josh crazy, too. If you are the praying type, we sure would appreciate prayers that this tumor really is benign and not dangerous. We can't have too many prayers right now.

On a happier subject, Brecken is getting very excited for Halloween. He is going to be a "flying dinosaur". (it's actually a dragon costume.) He keeps saying "I'm going Trick-or-Treating!" when he sees Halloween commercials on TV. We actually get to celebrate it 3 days in a row next week- th 29th is the Trick-or-Treat downtown, then the 30th is my school Halloween carnival, and then Saturday we will go Trick-or-Treating for real. Brecken can't wait!

distractions

I wish last week never happened.

But it did happen. And now it's messing with my head.

Any little twinge, weird feeling, imaginary feeling, ANYTHING, and I think I'm going to die. I'm sure my liver mass has suddenly taken over and I'm done for. It's a TERRIBLE thing to think, but for real, I can't help myself. It sucks. It sucks BAD.

And I hate the fact, that because I have to have another CT Scan, we can't resume trying for another baby until after it's done. CT scans on pregnant women aren't good. That puts us off until APRIL again. And even if we magically got pregnant that very month (and let's face it, I'm not very optomistic about that occuring), Brecken will be 4 1/2 when his sibling is born. And I hate that, too. I wanted kids closer together than 4 1/2 years. And it will probably have to be our last kid because I don't really want a teenager when I give birth to my 3rd child. Not that I had my heart set on 3 kids, but I wanted to make that decision. Not my stupid broken body.

This whole thing just sucks. Big time. I wish I could get pregnant like all the other women in the world. I don't want it to be so hard and without so much effort and doctors and MONEY. Everyone else gets pregnant for free. Us? We have spent probably close to $40,000 in the past two months alone. Thank the Lord for health insurance, but even with that, we have spent thousands.

I'm ready to go back to work. I go back on Monday and I'm looking foward to it very much. At home, I sit here thinking about every ache and pain. At work, I'll be busy enough that hopefully I won't have time to think about it and my mindset will be much improved. I need the distractions.

Thanks for letting me vent.

singing machine

We've been getting sung to quite a lot in the past couple weeks by the B-man. And now it has progressed to not just songs, but medleys of songs!

"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and.... SHE SAID, Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you, scooping up the field mice and bonking them on the head... mama called the doctor and the doctor said, no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

on a much happier note...

B's pictures are ready! Stacey did an absolutely phenomenal job with them this year. (like she does every year!!) You would never know that he spent most of the day crying!! Check them out!!

http://www.mpix.com/SharedAlbum.aspx?aid=3123267&key=rXKaNVhGlCVrLMKygxoa

If you click on "slideshow", you can see them a little bigger and if you click on the little plus sign in the slideshow, you can get through them pretty quickly.

LOVE THEM, Stacey! Thank you!!!!!!

(and yes, I know that one of the family pictures has a kid in it that isn't mine... B was DONE taking pictures by the time family ones came around and refused, so cousin Parker gladly stepped in. You can tell how B felt about family pictures in the one of him racing by on a tractor with us in the background, with his devil grin on....)

the world comes crashing in

I had an incision check on Tuesday. I wasn't looking forward to the drive to Ft. Collins, so Dr. B ok'd me to get checked by my OB's office in Laramie. And boy, was I in luck because the day I needed to be seen, my OB's office started coming to Saratoga! They come twice a month now- I'm so excited about that. Anyway, I saw a wonderful doctor on Tuesday who said my incisions are healing very nicely. (all 4 of them.) However, I've been really short of breath when I talk or move a lot and I asked him about that. He was a little concerned that perhaps I had some post-op blood clotting in my lungs and wrote an order for me to get a chest CT Scan done at the Laramie hospital that very afternoon. So much for not going to Laramie! I called Josh, he got someone to cover his classes, and off we went.

The CT wasn't bad- a little weird when they hooked up an IV and put iodine contrast in me- my whole body got really really warm, but that was OK because it was freezing in that room! The tech also said it would feel like I wet my pants, but to be rest assured, I wouldn't. That was a totally accurate description- what an odd feeling!

We waited around for a while and finally got word that it was OK to go home, no blood clots. Yay! However, the doctor said the radiologist found some "incidental findings", but didn't know what they were yet so he was going to call us the next day.

Wednesday, I finally called the doctor's office to see what was up. The nurse did some checking for me and it came back that I had a 3.2 cm mass on my liver and a 1.something cm cyst on my kidney. Another CT Scan was needed to see what was going on. I freaked. I called Josh immediately and told him to come home and while I waited, I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. And as soon as Josh got home and found out what was going on, I had to spend some time in the bathroom getting sick. I was soooo scared. I saw everything I've worked for go down the drains- I knew (and still know) that I'm not ready to leave my baby- I need to see him grow up. To play basketball for his high school. To see him get married and have babies of his own. I didn't want to leave Josh as a single father, nor did I want to leave the best husband ever at all. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I honestly felt like the world was crashing in on me. I bawled all afternoon while Josh tried to reassure me that 1) my complete blood workup prior to my surgery last week wasn't red flagged, 2) even if they have to cut part of my liver out, it regrows, so it's not a total loss, 3) it could be absolutely nothing.

We decided that we'd go to Laramie and spend the night in a hotel that night, for a few reasons. It was supposed to snow the next morning and if you know our route from Saratoga to Laramie, snow is never good. We also needed to be at the hospital at 8:30-ish the next morning for blood work prior to my CT Scan. And we needed to kind of get away from everyone and be a family. So off we went.

Brecken played at my sister's house on Thursday. I'm so grateful that my sister lives there and was available to watch him while Josh and I went to the hospital. (Thanks, Kristen!!) I had my blood drawn to check kidney levels, which were apparently fine since if they aren't, they won't do the CT. Then I did the repeat CT Scan. Then we waited and waited at Kristen's house. I was pretty numb by this point, and was still crying. A lot.

I finally called the doctor's office around 2:00 and the nice nurse from the day before did some checking for me and called back with the news I was HOPING for but not really expecting, if that makes sense. She said the radiologist thinks it's just a bunch of weird cells (there was a name but of course I forgot it) that are benign. The radiologist isn't too worried about it but wants another CT Scan in 6 months to check again. I can do that!!! They didn't mention my kidney but apparently it is quite common to get small cysts on your kidneys and they most always go away on their own- so most people never even know they have them. I broke down in tears once again, but this time in complete and utter relief. I made the B-man come hug me and he didn't want to- but I made him anyway. :) I said, "I need a hug from my baby." His response? Nothing other than "I'M NOT A BABY!!!!!" I can always count on him for a laugh when I need one, that's for sure.

I can honestly say this has probably been the worst week of my life. And for real- this is the 2nd cancer scare I've had in two months- first the ovarian cyst thing and now this. I'm done with having these scares!!! I'm 29 years old, I've been COMPLETELY healthy up until August when we found out my reproductive system problems, and I'm ready to go back to being completely healthy again. :)

I had originally planned to go back to work on Monday, but I'm not. I'm going to take next week off too. That leaves me with 2 1/2 sick days until the end of the year, but we'll deal. Right now, I'm not PHYSICALLY ready to go back- I had not planned on having 1/3 of my reproductive system removed from my body last week. I'm still quite sore and get tired very easily. Today is the first day I've been home with Brecken by myself (Josh has an overnight football trip) and I'm really sore and exhausted!! Josh also wants me to take some mental days after this week's ordeals. So I think one more week is needed. Then I should be good to go. (And I will be the first to admit that my stomach is quite swollen- I can't imagine wearing anything but my wonderful sweat pants!!!)

Thank you all that prayed and sent good thoughts- we definitely needed them. Now I can try not to worry about that anymore and get back on track with recovering from my original problem! Man, I'm ready to be done with all of it. :)

hanging in there

That's what we are doing- hanging in there! I've actually been hanging out in bed all day and it's been wonderful. I slept a TON today- my body must need the sleep! Getting up is a tad bit better today but I'm not really going anywhere- making my way to the bathroom is far enough for now. :) My co-workers have been WONDERFUL- last night Josh brought home spaghetti, salad, and homemade bread that our art teacher made, and tonight we had the BEST pot roast and garden veggies. I'll take Josh's word that the carrots and onions were good. :) I DO know that the garden potatoes are to die for! Our 4th grade teacher made that for us tonight. Along with that, we got a HUGE platter of brownies and muffins from one of our special ed teachers, and Brecken has already given his thumbs up on those. :) I'm a very lucky person to work with the people I do.

Brecken has been going to preschool and Amy's house still, which has been WONDERFUL for me. I can rest and recover at home without having to worry about keeping him entertained. He's home alone with me during football practice but it hasn't been too bad yet- he's pretty good at cuddling on the bed with me and watching cartoons. :)

home. and sore. and missing some pieces.

What a wild couple days.

While talking about surgery as it was getting closer, I had always told Josh that if an organ needed to come out, to tell the dr. to take it out. I told that to the PA during my pre-op appointment yesterday morning and she almost laughed at me and said that was not likely. I told that to Dr. B yesterday morning and he said, "It's been years and years since I've needed to do that, so no worries." And what do you know- I'm now missing organs. I must have a 6th sense about these things. :)

Yesterday morning started off with me starving and not being allwed to do anything about it. We went to my pre-op appointment at 9:30, got the low-down, and then found out my surgery, which was originally set for 1:00 that afternoon, got pushed up to noon because of a cancellation. So we had about 45 minutes to waste but was able to get our fabuloso daycare lady some gift cards to help out with their move. Then we checked into the surgery center. We found out how much this little adventure cost us and boy, am I ever grateful for health insurance. Holy moly.

I sat back in the pre-op room for FOREVER. I didn't get brought into an OR until a little after 1:00 despite there being a cancellation. The doctor using the OR at the time apologized to me but I told him I sure as heck wouldn't want anyone rushing surgery on me, so I didn't want them rushing on anyone else! Finally, the anestesiologist came for me and told me to give Josh hugs and kisses while he put stuff into my IV, because in about 30 seconds, I wasn't going to remember any of it. And man, was that true! I remember seeing the OR doors and that's the last I remember!!

I DO remember waking up- I was shaking so badly and they had to hurry to get me meds in my IV to stop that. And they kept asking me questions and I was moving my mouth but nothing would come out. I think that was due to the tube that was down my throat during the operation.

Anyway, the night wasn't bad. I had a pain med button I could push every 10 minutes, but I only pushed it about 6 times total in the night. My pain wasn't bad at all and I was very grateful for that. My night nurse was very nice, and there were only 4 of us in the surgery center last night. Me, Josh, the nurse and another nurse! That was kind of nice too. The only NOT nice thing was they didn't have a selection of things to eat- I had a choice of chicken broth, chicken noodle soup, oatmeal, Jell-o, and pudding. Big whoop. I had chicken noodle soup for breakfast. Dr. B was completely impressed. :)

They got me up and walking at 5 am this morning! I couldn't quite figure out why it had to be so early, but whatever. Dr. B came in around 9 and gave me the low-down- he said he told me yesterday but I have absolutely no recollection of him telling me anything yesterday. So here are the finer points of the conversation:

• He went in laproscopically first and found that my left fallopian tube was blocked with scar tissue, even though my HSG test in August showed no blockage. He said that test lied.
• In addition to being blocked, it was folded up on itself.
• He was able to get the scar tissue off and unfold the tube but isn't sure it's going to stay that way.
• He got in my right ovary and found that it wasn't a dermoid tumor after all, but a huge endometrioma.
• My right fallopian tube had a ton of endometriosis on it.
• He cut me open to take out the endometrioma, and it had completely taken over my ovary. He couldn't save it, so it came out.
• The fallopian tube also came out- it doesn't do much good to have a tube without an ovary, and with all the endometriosis on it, it would just cause me pain and problems. So out it came.
• My left ovary will now take over all functions- instead of it supposedly trading off with my right ovary every other month, it will now ovulate every month. (hopefully.)
• Dr. B said this will actually help my chances of conception because we aren't wasting time with a bad ovary and tube- only a good ovary and a hopefully good tube, if it can stay straightened out!!

So there you go- a "quick" summary. We are now home and I'm in bed relaxing. We met Craig and Lennie in Cheyenne again to get Brecken (who apparently, according to all this stuff, is a total miracle baby!!!!) and eat luch with them. Brecken was very glad to see us, though he cried really hard and doesn't want me to have owies anymore and had a hard time understanding that he couldn't sit on my lap. :( He said he had fun by himself at Grandma and Papa's house but next time, he wants us to come. :)

I'm sure I left stuff out- I'm trying to write through pain in my belly so I'm not the best at concentrating right now. If I think of anything, I'll add it later. :)