the world comes crashing in

I had an incision check on Tuesday. I wasn't looking forward to the drive to Ft. Collins, so Dr. B ok'd me to get checked by my OB's office in Laramie. And boy, was I in luck because the day I needed to be seen, my OB's office started coming to Saratoga! They come twice a month now- I'm so excited about that. Anyway, I saw a wonderful doctor on Tuesday who said my incisions are healing very nicely. (all 4 of them.) However, I've been really short of breath when I talk or move a lot and I asked him about that. He was a little concerned that perhaps I had some post-op blood clotting in my lungs and wrote an order for me to get a chest CT Scan done at the Laramie hospital that very afternoon. So much for not going to Laramie! I called Josh, he got someone to cover his classes, and off we went.

The CT wasn't bad- a little weird when they hooked up an IV and put iodine contrast in me- my whole body got really really warm, but that was OK because it was freezing in that room! The tech also said it would feel like I wet my pants, but to be rest assured, I wouldn't. That was a totally accurate description- what an odd feeling!

We waited around for a while and finally got word that it was OK to go home, no blood clots. Yay! However, the doctor said the radiologist found some "incidental findings", but didn't know what they were yet so he was going to call us the next day.

Wednesday, I finally called the doctor's office to see what was up. The nurse did some checking for me and it came back that I had a 3.2 cm mass on my liver and a 1.something cm cyst on my kidney. Another CT Scan was needed to see what was going on. I freaked. I called Josh immediately and told him to come home and while I waited, I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. And as soon as Josh got home and found out what was going on, I had to spend some time in the bathroom getting sick. I was soooo scared. I saw everything I've worked for go down the drains- I knew (and still know) that I'm not ready to leave my baby- I need to see him grow up. To play basketball for his high school. To see him get married and have babies of his own. I didn't want to leave Josh as a single father, nor did I want to leave the best husband ever at all. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I honestly felt like the world was crashing in on me. I bawled all afternoon while Josh tried to reassure me that 1) my complete blood workup prior to my surgery last week wasn't red flagged, 2) even if they have to cut part of my liver out, it regrows, so it's not a total loss, 3) it could be absolutely nothing.

We decided that we'd go to Laramie and spend the night in a hotel that night, for a few reasons. It was supposed to snow the next morning and if you know our route from Saratoga to Laramie, snow is never good. We also needed to be at the hospital at 8:30-ish the next morning for blood work prior to my CT Scan. And we needed to kind of get away from everyone and be a family. So off we went.

Brecken played at my sister's house on Thursday. I'm so grateful that my sister lives there and was available to watch him while Josh and I went to the hospital. (Thanks, Kristen!!) I had my blood drawn to check kidney levels, which were apparently fine since if they aren't, they won't do the CT. Then I did the repeat CT Scan. Then we waited and waited at Kristen's house. I was pretty numb by this point, and was still crying. A lot.

I finally called the doctor's office around 2:00 and the nice nurse from the day before did some checking for me and called back with the news I was HOPING for but not really expecting, if that makes sense. She said the radiologist thinks it's just a bunch of weird cells (there was a name but of course I forgot it) that are benign. The radiologist isn't too worried about it but wants another CT Scan in 6 months to check again. I can do that!!! They didn't mention my kidney but apparently it is quite common to get small cysts on your kidneys and they most always go away on their own- so most people never even know they have them. I broke down in tears once again, but this time in complete and utter relief. I made the B-man come hug me and he didn't want to- but I made him anyway. :) I said, "I need a hug from my baby." His response? Nothing other than "I'M NOT A BABY!!!!!" I can always count on him for a laugh when I need one, that's for sure.

I can honestly say this has probably been the worst week of my life. And for real- this is the 2nd cancer scare I've had in two months- first the ovarian cyst thing and now this. I'm done with having these scares!!! I'm 29 years old, I've been COMPLETELY healthy up until August when we found out my reproductive system problems, and I'm ready to go back to being completely healthy again. :)

I had originally planned to go back to work on Monday, but I'm not. I'm going to take next week off too. That leaves me with 2 1/2 sick days until the end of the year, but we'll deal. Right now, I'm not PHYSICALLY ready to go back- I had not planned on having 1/3 of my reproductive system removed from my body last week. I'm still quite sore and get tired very easily. Today is the first day I've been home with Brecken by myself (Josh has an overnight football trip) and I'm really sore and exhausted!! Josh also wants me to take some mental days after this week's ordeals. So I think one more week is needed. Then I should be good to go. (And I will be the first to admit that my stomach is quite swollen- I can't imagine wearing anything but my wonderful sweat pants!!!)

Thank you all that prayed and sent good thoughts- we definitely needed them. Now I can try not to worry about that anymore and get back on track with recovering from my original problem! Man, I'm ready to be done with all of it. :)