Josh and Brecken came up to school to have lunch with me today. Josh went to talk to my principal for a minute and while he was gone, Brecken told me, "We bought you boots, Mommy!" I thought he was making stuff up, until I remembered that Josh asked what size shoe I wore last night!! So this afternoon, I asked Josh, "Did you buy me boots today?" He said no, and Brecken comes running and said, "YES WE DID DADDY!" Josh insisted no, Brecken insisted yes. Josh finally ended up laughing. He told Brecken "That was for Mommy's birthday, Brecken- it was a surprise!" Brecken's response? "See, Mommy- I told you we bought you boots!" HA! HA! I guess this holiday season we will not be sharing secrets with Brecken, unless we don't want any surprises on Christmas morning! :)
I told Josh I have no idea what kind of boots he would have bought me, nor do I have a clue what they look like, so I'll still be surprised. :)
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
We took Brecken trick-or-treating downtown this afternoon. He was so excited all week long, wearing his costume around the house, practicing saying "Trick-or-Treat!!" But when it came time this afternoon, he chickened out at the last minute and refused to wear his costume. And wouldn't say a thing to any of the people at the stores. What a 3-year-old. :) Tomorrow night is the Halloween carnival at my school, and he's very excited to go play the games, so we'll see if he will wear his costume to that. :)
We got our pumpkin carved tonight! Brecken didn't want to touch the pumpkin guts, so he let his Daddy do all the dirty work. :)
We got our pumpkin carved tonight! Brecken didn't want to touch the pumpkin guts, so he let his Daddy do all the dirty work. :)
Friday, October 23, 2009
last game!
Tonight is Josh's last football game of the season! I would be very happy for them if they made the playoffs, but I will admit, I threw a little party for myself when it was clear they were NOT going to the playoffs next week. :) I feel bad about that- I really want them to do well, I really do, but I also like having my husband home after school. :) I get him home for 3 whole weeks before basketball starts! Woo-hoo!
:)
:)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
mind games
Either my liver really does hurt or my head is doing a heck of a job doing mind games with me!! I hate it! Work has NOT been a distraction. Instead, every day I come home and tell Josh what hurt that day. On Tuesday, we went for a follow-up appointment to talk about my CT scan a little more since we never really got to talk to a doctor about it. The doctor we talked to is in the process of setting up an appointment for me with a gastroentronologist (or however it's spelled). She said if it were HER liver, she'd want to go to a specialist who sees livers every day. I do too! I was going to ask her for a referral for one, but she brought it up first. It will be nice to have a peace of mind about the whole matter. AND, if God-forbid, something IS wrong, I'm not having to wait the recommended 6 months the radiologist recommended for another CT scan. I'd rather know. I just need answers because the whole mind game thing is seriously going to make me crazy. Literally. And I'm pretty sure I'm driving Josh crazy, too. If you are the praying type, we sure would appreciate prayers that this tumor really is benign and not dangerous. We can't have too many prayers right now.
On a happier subject, Brecken is getting very excited for Halloween. He is going to be a "flying dinosaur". (it's actually a dragon costume.) He keeps saying "I'm going Trick-or-Treating!" when he sees Halloween commercials on TV. We actually get to celebrate it 3 days in a row next week- th 29th is the Trick-or-Treat downtown, then the 30th is my school Halloween carnival, and then Saturday we will go Trick-or-Treating for real. Brecken can't wait!
On a happier subject, Brecken is getting very excited for Halloween. He is going to be a "flying dinosaur". (it's actually a dragon costume.) He keeps saying "I'm going Trick-or-Treating!" when he sees Halloween commercials on TV. We actually get to celebrate it 3 days in a row next week- th 29th is the Trick-or-Treat downtown, then the 30th is my school Halloween carnival, and then Saturday we will go Trick-or-Treating for real. Brecken can't wait!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
distractions
I wish last week never happened.
But it did happen. And now it's messing with my head.
Any little twinge, weird feeling, imaginary feeling, ANYTHING, and I think I'm going to die. I'm sure my liver mass has suddenly taken over and I'm done for. It's a TERRIBLE thing to think, but for real, I can't help myself. It sucks. It sucks BAD.
And I hate the fact, that because I have to have another CT Scan, we can't resume trying for another baby until after it's done. CT scans on pregnant women aren't good. That puts us off until APRIL again. And even if we magically got pregnant that very month (and let's face it, I'm not very optomistic about that occuring), Brecken will be 4 1/2 when his sibling is born. And I hate that, too. I wanted kids closer together than 4 1/2 years. And it will probably have to be our last kid because I don't really want a teenager when I give birth to my 3rd child. Not that I had my heart set on 3 kids, but I wanted to make that decision. Not my stupid broken body.
This whole thing just sucks. Big time. I wish I could get pregnant like all the other women in the world. I don't want it to be so hard and without so much effort and doctors and MONEY. Everyone else gets pregnant for free. Us? We have spent probably close to $40,000 in the past two months alone. Thank the Lord for health insurance, but even with that, we have spent thousands.
I'm ready to go back to work. I go back on Monday and I'm looking foward to it very much. At home, I sit here thinking about every ache and pain. At work, I'll be busy enough that hopefully I won't have time to think about it and my mindset will be much improved. I need the distractions.
Thanks for letting me vent.
But it did happen. And now it's messing with my head.
Any little twinge, weird feeling, imaginary feeling, ANYTHING, and I think I'm going to die. I'm sure my liver mass has suddenly taken over and I'm done for. It's a TERRIBLE thing to think, but for real, I can't help myself. It sucks. It sucks BAD.
And I hate the fact, that because I have to have another CT Scan, we can't resume trying for another baby until after it's done. CT scans on pregnant women aren't good. That puts us off until APRIL again. And even if we magically got pregnant that very month (and let's face it, I'm not very optomistic about that occuring), Brecken will be 4 1/2 when his sibling is born. And I hate that, too. I wanted kids closer together than 4 1/2 years. And it will probably have to be our last kid because I don't really want a teenager when I give birth to my 3rd child. Not that I had my heart set on 3 kids, but I wanted to make that decision. Not my stupid broken body.
This whole thing just sucks. Big time. I wish I could get pregnant like all the other women in the world. I don't want it to be so hard and without so much effort and doctors and MONEY. Everyone else gets pregnant for free. Us? We have spent probably close to $40,000 in the past two months alone. Thank the Lord for health insurance, but even with that, we have spent thousands.
I'm ready to go back to work. I go back on Monday and I'm looking foward to it very much. At home, I sit here thinking about every ache and pain. At work, I'll be busy enough that hopefully I won't have time to think about it and my mindset will be much improved. I need the distractions.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
singing machine
We've been getting sung to quite a lot in the past couple weeks by the B-man. And now it has progressed to not just songs, but medleys of songs!
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and.... SHE SAID, Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you, scooping up the field mice and bonking them on the head... mama called the doctor and the doctor said, no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and.... SHE SAID, Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don't want to see you, scooping up the field mice and bonking them on the head... mama called the doctor and the doctor said, no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"
on a much happier note...
B's pictures are ready! Stacey did an absolutely phenomenal job with them this year. (like she does every year!!) You would never know that he spent most of the day crying!! Check them out!!
http://www.mpix.com/SharedAlbum.aspx?aid=3123267&key=rXKaNVhGlCVrLMKygxoa
If you click on "slideshow", you can see them a little bigger and if you click on the little plus sign in the slideshow, you can get through them pretty quickly.
LOVE THEM, Stacey! Thank you!!!!!!
(and yes, I know that one of the family pictures has a kid in it that isn't mine... B was DONE taking pictures by the time family ones came around and refused, so cousin Parker gladly stepped in. You can tell how B felt about family pictures in the one of him racing by on a tractor with us in the background, with his devil grin on....)
http://www.mpix.com/SharedAlbum.aspx?aid=3123267&key=rXKaNVhGlCVrLMKygxoa
If you click on "slideshow", you can see them a little bigger and if you click on the little plus sign in the slideshow, you can get through them pretty quickly.
LOVE THEM, Stacey! Thank you!!!!!!
(and yes, I know that one of the family pictures has a kid in it that isn't mine... B was DONE taking pictures by the time family ones came around and refused, so cousin Parker gladly stepped in. You can tell how B felt about family pictures in the one of him racing by on a tractor with us in the background, with his devil grin on....)
the world comes crashing in
I had an incision check on Tuesday. I wasn't looking forward to the drive to Ft. Collins, so Dr. B ok'd me to get checked by my OB's office in Laramie. And boy, was I in luck because the day I needed to be seen, my OB's office started coming to Saratoga! They come twice a month now- I'm so excited about that. Anyway, I saw a wonderful doctor on Tuesday who said my incisions are healing very nicely. (all 4 of them.) However, I've been really short of breath when I talk or move a lot and I asked him about that. He was a little concerned that perhaps I had some post-op blood clotting in my lungs and wrote an order for me to get a chest CT Scan done at the Laramie hospital that very afternoon. So much for not going to Laramie! I called Josh, he got someone to cover his classes, and off we went.
The CT wasn't bad- a little weird when they hooked up an IV and put iodine contrast in me- my whole body got really really warm, but that was OK because it was freezing in that room! The tech also said it would feel like I wet my pants, but to be rest assured, I wouldn't. That was a totally accurate description- what an odd feeling!
We waited around for a while and finally got word that it was OK to go home, no blood clots. Yay! However, the doctor said the radiologist found some "incidental findings", but didn't know what they were yet so he was going to call us the next day.
Wednesday, I finally called the doctor's office to see what was up. The nurse did some checking for me and it came back that I had a 3.2 cm mass on my liver and a 1.something cm cyst on my kidney. Another CT Scan was needed to see what was going on. I freaked. I called Josh immediately and told him to come home and while I waited, I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. And as soon as Josh got home and found out what was going on, I had to spend some time in the bathroom getting sick. I was soooo scared. I saw everything I've worked for go down the drains- I knew (and still know) that I'm not ready to leave my baby- I need to see him grow up. To play basketball for his high school. To see him get married and have babies of his own. I didn't want to leave Josh as a single father, nor did I want to leave the best husband ever at all. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I honestly felt like the world was crashing in on me. I bawled all afternoon while Josh tried to reassure me that 1) my complete blood workup prior to my surgery last week wasn't red flagged, 2) even if they have to cut part of my liver out, it regrows, so it's not a total loss, 3) it could be absolutely nothing.
We decided that we'd go to Laramie and spend the night in a hotel that night, for a few reasons. It was supposed to snow the next morning and if you know our route from Saratoga to Laramie, snow is never good. We also needed to be at the hospital at 8:30-ish the next morning for blood work prior to my CT Scan. And we needed to kind of get away from everyone and be a family. So off we went.
Brecken played at my sister's house on Thursday. I'm so grateful that my sister lives there and was available to watch him while Josh and I went to the hospital. (Thanks, Kristen!!) I had my blood drawn to check kidney levels, which were apparently fine since if they aren't, they won't do the CT. Then I did the repeat CT Scan. Then we waited and waited at Kristen's house. I was pretty numb by this point, and was still crying. A lot.
I finally called the doctor's office around 2:00 and the nice nurse from the day before did some checking for me and called back with the news I was HOPING for but not really expecting, if that makes sense. She said the radiologist thinks it's just a bunch of weird cells (there was a name but of course I forgot it) that are benign. The radiologist isn't too worried about it but wants another CT Scan in 6 months to check again. I can do that!!! They didn't mention my kidney but apparently it is quite common to get small cysts on your kidneys and they most always go away on their own- so most people never even know they have them. I broke down in tears once again, but this time in complete and utter relief. I made the B-man come hug me and he didn't want to- but I made him anyway. :) I said, "I need a hug from my baby." His response? Nothing other than "I'M NOT A BABY!!!!!" I can always count on him for a laugh when I need one, that's for sure.
I can honestly say this has probably been the worst week of my life. And for real- this is the 2nd cancer scare I've had in two months- first the ovarian cyst thing and now this. I'm done with having these scares!!! I'm 29 years old, I've been COMPLETELY healthy up until August when we found out my reproductive system problems, and I'm ready to go back to being completely healthy again. :)
I had originally planned to go back to work on Monday, but I'm not. I'm going to take next week off too. That leaves me with 2 1/2 sick days until the end of the year, but we'll deal. Right now, I'm not PHYSICALLY ready to go back- I had not planned on having 1/3 of my reproductive system removed from my body last week. I'm still quite sore and get tired very easily. Today is the first day I've been home with Brecken by myself (Josh has an overnight football trip) and I'm really sore and exhausted!! Josh also wants me to take some mental days after this week's ordeals. So I think one more week is needed. Then I should be good to go. (And I will be the first to admit that my stomach is quite swollen- I can't imagine wearing anything but my wonderful sweat pants!!!)
Thank you all that prayed and sent good thoughts- we definitely needed them. Now I can try not to worry about that anymore and get back on track with recovering from my original problem! Man, I'm ready to be done with all of it. :)
The CT wasn't bad- a little weird when they hooked up an IV and put iodine contrast in me- my whole body got really really warm, but that was OK because it was freezing in that room! The tech also said it would feel like I wet my pants, but to be rest assured, I wouldn't. That was a totally accurate description- what an odd feeling!
We waited around for a while and finally got word that it was OK to go home, no blood clots. Yay! However, the doctor said the radiologist found some "incidental findings", but didn't know what they were yet so he was going to call us the next day.
Wednesday, I finally called the doctor's office to see what was up. The nurse did some checking for me and it came back that I had a 3.2 cm mass on my liver and a 1.something cm cyst on my kidney. Another CT Scan was needed to see what was going on. I freaked. I called Josh immediately and told him to come home and while I waited, I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. And as soon as Josh got home and found out what was going on, I had to spend some time in the bathroom getting sick. I was soooo scared. I saw everything I've worked for go down the drains- I knew (and still know) that I'm not ready to leave my baby- I need to see him grow up. To play basketball for his high school. To see him get married and have babies of his own. I didn't want to leave Josh as a single father, nor did I want to leave the best husband ever at all. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I honestly felt like the world was crashing in on me. I bawled all afternoon while Josh tried to reassure me that 1) my complete blood workup prior to my surgery last week wasn't red flagged, 2) even if they have to cut part of my liver out, it regrows, so it's not a total loss, 3) it could be absolutely nothing.
We decided that we'd go to Laramie and spend the night in a hotel that night, for a few reasons. It was supposed to snow the next morning and if you know our route from Saratoga to Laramie, snow is never good. We also needed to be at the hospital at 8:30-ish the next morning for blood work prior to my CT Scan. And we needed to kind of get away from everyone and be a family. So off we went.
Brecken played at my sister's house on Thursday. I'm so grateful that my sister lives there and was available to watch him while Josh and I went to the hospital. (Thanks, Kristen!!) I had my blood drawn to check kidney levels, which were apparently fine since if they aren't, they won't do the CT. Then I did the repeat CT Scan. Then we waited and waited at Kristen's house. I was pretty numb by this point, and was still crying. A lot.
I finally called the doctor's office around 2:00 and the nice nurse from the day before did some checking for me and called back with the news I was HOPING for but not really expecting, if that makes sense. She said the radiologist thinks it's just a bunch of weird cells (there was a name but of course I forgot it) that are benign. The radiologist isn't too worried about it but wants another CT Scan in 6 months to check again. I can do that!!! They didn't mention my kidney but apparently it is quite common to get small cysts on your kidneys and they most always go away on their own- so most people never even know they have them. I broke down in tears once again, but this time in complete and utter relief. I made the B-man come hug me and he didn't want to- but I made him anyway. :) I said, "I need a hug from my baby." His response? Nothing other than "I'M NOT A BABY!!!!!" I can always count on him for a laugh when I need one, that's for sure.
I can honestly say this has probably been the worst week of my life. And for real- this is the 2nd cancer scare I've had in two months- first the ovarian cyst thing and now this. I'm done with having these scares!!! I'm 29 years old, I've been COMPLETELY healthy up until August when we found out my reproductive system problems, and I'm ready to go back to being completely healthy again. :)
I had originally planned to go back to work on Monday, but I'm not. I'm going to take next week off too. That leaves me with 2 1/2 sick days until the end of the year, but we'll deal. Right now, I'm not PHYSICALLY ready to go back- I had not planned on having 1/3 of my reproductive system removed from my body last week. I'm still quite sore and get tired very easily. Today is the first day I've been home with Brecken by myself (Josh has an overnight football trip) and I'm really sore and exhausted!! Josh also wants me to take some mental days after this week's ordeals. So I think one more week is needed. Then I should be good to go. (And I will be the first to admit that my stomach is quite swollen- I can't imagine wearing anything but my wonderful sweat pants!!!)
Thank you all that prayed and sent good thoughts- we definitely needed them. Now I can try not to worry about that anymore and get back on track with recovering from my original problem! Man, I'm ready to be done with all of it. :)
Thursday, October 01, 2009
hanging in there
That's what we are doing- hanging in there! I've actually been hanging out in bed all day and it's been wonderful. I slept a TON today- my body must need the sleep! Getting up is a tad bit better today but I'm not really going anywhere- making my way to the bathroom is far enough for now. :) My co-workers have been WONDERFUL- last night Josh brought home spaghetti, salad, and homemade bread that our art teacher made, and tonight we had the BEST pot roast and garden veggies. I'll take Josh's word that the carrots and onions were good. :) I DO know that the garden potatoes are to die for! Our 4th grade teacher made that for us tonight. Along with that, we got a HUGE platter of brownies and muffins from one of our special ed teachers, and Brecken has already given his thumbs up on those. :) I'm a very lucky person to work with the people I do.
Brecken has been going to preschool and Amy's house still, which has been WONDERFUL for me. I can rest and recover at home without having to worry about keeping him entertained. He's home alone with me during football practice but it hasn't been too bad yet- he's pretty good at cuddling on the bed with me and watching cartoons. :)
Brecken has been going to preschool and Amy's house still, which has been WONDERFUL for me. I can rest and recover at home without having to worry about keeping him entertained. He's home alone with me during football practice but it hasn't been too bad yet- he's pretty good at cuddling on the bed with me and watching cartoons. :)
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