distractions

I wish last week never happened.

But it did happen. And now it's messing with my head.

Any little twinge, weird feeling, imaginary feeling, ANYTHING, and I think I'm going to die. I'm sure my liver mass has suddenly taken over and I'm done for. It's a TERRIBLE thing to think, but for real, I can't help myself. It sucks. It sucks BAD.

And I hate the fact, that because I have to have another CT Scan, we can't resume trying for another baby until after it's done. CT scans on pregnant women aren't good. That puts us off until APRIL again. And even if we magically got pregnant that very month (and let's face it, I'm not very optomistic about that occuring), Brecken will be 4 1/2 when his sibling is born. And I hate that, too. I wanted kids closer together than 4 1/2 years. And it will probably have to be our last kid because I don't really want a teenager when I give birth to my 3rd child. Not that I had my heart set on 3 kids, but I wanted to make that decision. Not my stupid broken body.

This whole thing just sucks. Big time. I wish I could get pregnant like all the other women in the world. I don't want it to be so hard and without so much effort and doctors and MONEY. Everyone else gets pregnant for free. Us? We have spent probably close to $40,000 in the past two months alone. Thank the Lord for health insurance, but even with that, we have spent thousands.

I'm ready to go back to work. I go back on Monday and I'm looking foward to it very much. At home, I sit here thinking about every ache and pain. At work, I'll be busy enough that hopefully I won't have time to think about it and my mindset will be much improved. I need the distractions.

Thanks for letting me vent.